Life is made up of an infinite sequence of changes, big and small. It’s how we experience the world, and it enriches and adds flavour to our lives. But what if those changes seem to be doing more harm than good to you? What if every change leaves you feeling unbalanced and not in control of your life? How can you wrestle back enough control to make the changes you want to do in your life and learn to let go of the things that you can’t influence with a clear mind
Let’s start at the beginning.
What Does Losing Control of Your Life Look Like?
There are many ways you could feel like you’ve dropped the ball on your life. It’s not a singular experience, no experience is, of course. So, Daftein’s life coach has listed the general themes of what a life without an anchor may look or feel like. We divided them into your inner and outer life to make the distinctions easier. Do any on the list seem personally familiar to you?
Inner Life
A sense of a lack of control over your own life impacts people differently, but it’s likely going to affect the way one thinks — about themselves, the world, and how they are supposed to engage with it.
Feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and frustration. A common indicator of an inner life that’s misaligned with your desires. You want a situation to go a certain way, yet outcomes never seem to match the vision you had in your head. The result is that you’re more often disappointed about the way things turn out for you. It may even progress into being on a hair-trigger and easily becoming irritated. Eventually, the thought that you somehow can’t reign in your life, because you have no or little control of it, will seep into your expectations. It will colour the way you perceive and define your experiences — and do so always in a negative light.
Scattered and constant overthinking. The inability to focus on what’s in front of you because you’re always stuck inside your head turning various scenarios of ‘what ifs?’ over and over. This could also manifest as brain fog, which makes one significantly forgetful and have difficulty concentrating. Both the overthinking and the inability to gather your thoughts are what lead you to feel mentally drained and unable or unwilling to engage with life.
General lack of direction and purpose. Those who feel like their life is spinning out of their control may develop unhealthy ways to cope. It manifests as a sort of mental malaise that makes you passively experience life. You feel like you’re just going through the motions and somehow can’t summon the energy to work on projects that used to bring you joy or undertake tasks to reach a meaningful goal.
Outer Life
The sense that you aren’t in the driver’s seat of your own life can manifest externally in various ways. More often than not, the physical manifestation is connected to your thought processes and your experiences with your inner life.
Physical exhaustion. Exhaustion in the physical sense often comes hand in hand with mental exhaustion. Overtaxing mental resources can lead to impaired physical well-being and vice versa. In cases where the lack of a sense of control in your life is driving the fatigue, you’ll notice how you’re affected by headaches more often, how your muscles are tense all the time, and sleep brings you no actual rest and respite. You might also experience changes in your appetite.
Languishing in current state. Similar to how feeling like life is out of control makes you lose direction and purpose in your inner life, languishing in the external sense manifests as a demotivated attitude towards actively changing your circumstances. Instead of reaching for more or trying to improve your outer life, you default to the status quo. This could happen even if you recognize that staying where you are is hurting you more than being a comfort.
Clinging to toxic behaviors and habits. Related to languishing in the status quo, the unwillingness to let go of toxic behaviors and habits — from something as benign as not allowing your body to get enough sleep several days in a row to something more immediately perilous like abusing hard substances — is a manifestation of how your personal sense of a lack of control can affect your outer life. Toxic behaviors, when you’ve had them for quite some time, may seem like a comfort to keep. Because even when things are falling apart in every other aspect of your life, at least this familiar thing stays constant. Your mind conflates control with your “choice” to keep functioning in an unhealthy way.
Tips to Take Back Control of Your Life
Feeling like you don’t really control how your life is going can manifest in your life in different ways, but it always will lead to spiraling or stagnating — neither of which is a great way to live. Taking back control of your life is necessary if you want to move on.
Admittedly, the way to regaining the reins of your life is not a one-time solution. You always have to work at it, and sometimes it can seem impossible to ever achieve. But with a healthy support system and a true commitment to turn your life around, you’ll eventually see your efforts pay off in what you get in return.
We’ve listed down some steps you could take to reclaim your life:
Identify your core values, establish a vision. Starting on changing your life for the better starts with remembering who you are and who you want to be in the future. So, think about the moments in your life that hold most meaning to you. Remember the moments that made you feel satisfied and the stories that lit a fire in you and inspired you. Once you identify those memories, use it as a foundation for what you want your life to look like in the near and distant future. Make this the blueprint for the change you need to take back control.
Pinpoint internal and external motivations. Being able to look back to the most meaningful aspects of life and envisioning a future that also makes you feel alive is worthless if you don’t have the why or the reason for working towards it. Think of your internal and external motivations as the compass needle that will steer you through difficulties. Internal motivations could be the desire to have a healthy self-esteem. Meanwhile, external motivations could be about little treats for yourself like getting a massage on your self-care day. Identifying what would drive your ability to make positive changes in your life is a big help when you want to stay on track or if you’ve fallen a little bit off the wagon and want to get back on. It’s an essential way to re-center yourself.
Overcome limiting beliefs. We know, it’s easier said than done to pivot from negative thoughts and toxic perception. This is why our life coaching specialists at Daftein recommend initially going for baby steps and working your way to bigger, more ambitious workshopping of your limiting beliefs.
Become accountable to yourself. Taking control of your life once more doesn’t just mean that you decide what to do and how to do it and then you’re done. Grabbing back the reins to your life also means acknowledging that it comes with a responsibility to yourself and to the world at large. You aren’t in this just for the sake of making all the calls — rather, you’re taking control to improve your sense of self and well-being. This is what ultimately differentiates your journey from being a selfish and immature enterprise to one that actually leads to self-fulfillment.
Understand and accept you can’t control everything. A core aspect of regaining control of your life is understanding that there are simply things that are beyond your control. Whether it’s the actions or thoughts of another person or the aftermath of an accident, we should know that our control over some aspects of life has limits. The sooner that we accept this reality, the faster we can make peace with the circumstances without harming ourselves or others.
Responding instead of reacting. People who feel like their life is spinning out of control may develop the habit of passively allowing things to happen to them, of reacting instead of reading the situation and actively responding. If you’re ready to finally take control of your life, you’ll have to train yourself away from this mindset.
Reflect, organise, and prioritise. As mentioned, being in control isn’t just about having the ability to decide on matters. It is also about being aware that the same decisions naturally have consequences. Not everything you decide to do will lead to the best outcome or the one you want due to perhaps factors out of your control. However, there is room for growth for the decisions you make that include things that you could have had controlled. By reflecting upon your decisions and actions, you’ll be able to organise and prioritise things so that the next time a similar situation arises, you’ll be up to the task and can be confident in how to respond.
Seek out and build up your support system. Part of the journey towards self-actualisation is the bonds that you create along the way. Not only are you engaging with the world beyond yourself, but you are also building ties that will help keep you grounded when you feel like backsliding and losing control once again. A healthy support system can be there for you when you need a friendly and empathic ear or shoulder to cry on when you’re vulnerable. They’ll also be there to celebrate the triumphs and milestones you hit in your life.
Seek Mentorship from a Life Coach
Friendships are not the only ties that you can establish to gain control of life. Seeking mentorship from someone successful whom you admire or from someone experienced at helping people establish their own paths is a great way to probably take control of life like one of our coaches. If you are ready to start taking back control of your life, get in touch with Daftein today.
